The Co-Sleeper’s Dilemma:
What to Do When the Family Bed Isn’t Working
By Angelique Millette PhDc, CLE T
I just received several phone calls, all from co-sleeping mothers who were beside themselves with exhaustion. They were tearful as they told me how tired they were, yet each mom felt conflicted about moving her child out of the family bed. Certainly it’s not an easy decision to make especially when cuddling with your baby or child at night has so many benefits.
How Is It Working for the Whole Family?
One of the first questions I ask families when we begin working together is: “How is it working for the whole family?” New research shows that sleep challenges for infants and young children may be intrinsically related to their ability to adapt to information from their caregivers, specifically their mothers, that helps them learn to settle and fall sleep. When mothers are sleep deprived, depressed or anxious, they may be less able to respond to their infant’s need to sleep and have more difficulty “reading” their infant’s sleep cues. Research also shows that some babies of sleep deprived, depressed, and anxious mothers may develop less organized sleep cycles.
Questions to Consider When Reconsidering the Family Bed
Use these questions to help assess whether it’s time for a change:
• Are you having a difficult time sleeping, generally?
• Are you having a difficult time falling asleep at night following periods of comforting baby or nighttime feeds?
• Are you feeling anxious or sad as a result of your sleep deprivation?
• Are you feeling unsafe or clumsy as a result of sleep deprivation?
• Is your sleep deprivation making it difficult for you to work or drive?
• Are you feeling resentful or angry towards your baby/child?
• Are you spending less time with your other children as a result of the present sleeping arrangement with your baby or toddler?
Think about your present sleep arrangement, and make a list of what works for you and what doesn’t, and ask your spouse/partner to write a list. Take a few days to evaluate your own list, and then swap lists. Use your collective answers as a blueprint for creating your “family sleep vision.”
Bonding With Your Baby or Young Child
Common questions parents ask me include: “Will my child lose their bond to me if we don’t sleep in the same bed at night?” Will my child grow up to be deprived if I don’t fulfill their attachment needs in the family bed? Won’t my child feel rejected and abandoned by me if they don’t sleep with me at night?”
I ask parents to think of what other ways they provide nurture and comfort to their child. Often parents may not recognize other ways that they encourage bonding, closeness, and nurturing.
Why Making Sleep Changes May Be Difficult
Making sleep changes may feel uncomfortable for parents for several reasons. First, babies and young children still need their parents at night, often due to developmental changes, teething, and illness, as well as starting a new daycare or preschool, moving, the birth of a younger sibling, and a parent going back to work. Parents may feel uncomfortable about the greater physical distance at night, and not sure how the shift in night comforting might change their relationship with their child. Secondly, because weaning and transitioning one’s child out of the family bed often involves limit setting—for example walking a child back to their own bed at night, comforting a baby in the crib, or, instead of offering the breast to soothe at night, asking the other parent to comfort baby to sleep—parents may not yet feel comfortable or confident about the new limits they are setting at night or the new soothing measures they’ve introduced. Finally, both for parents and children, transitioning out of the family bed marks an ending—of infancy, of breastfeeding—and marks the beginning of the child’s becoming more independent. For some parents this ending is a welcome relief, for other parents this ending is marked by grief and loss, and for a large group of parents this ending may be bittersweet.
Shifting Sleep Associations
Some babies who gently fall asleep on the breast and are placed to sleep in the crib are able to put themselves back to sleep at normal night wakings. However, a large majority of babies who associate falling asleep with breastfeeding, being held, rocking, or bouncing will need these sleep associations at night in order to fall back to sleep at normal night wakings. You will know that this is happening if every time your baby wakes, you need to breastfeed or rock to help your baby fall back to sleep. To help the transition to sleeping alone, parents can use other sleep associations such as a consistent bedtime routine, and transitional object such as a “lovey.” You can also ask your spouse or partner to help your baby to sleep at bedtime and at night wakings to help to reduce night wakings related to breastfeeding.
Shifting Sleep Locations
• Build a “space within a space” by creating a special sleep area for your baby or young child in the family sleeping room. You can use drapes, a screen, or pictures your baby likes to help “build attachment” to the new sleeping area. Some families use a sound machine to prevent parents’ activity from waking their child. Place the crib or toddler bed a few feet away from the parents’ bed, and you can push it a little bit further every few weeks.
• Move the “family sleep” to the nursery by having baby sleep in a crib or toddler bed, or on a mattress or futon on the nursery floor. A mattress next to the crib or toddler bed allows the parent to remain close to their infant or young child while they are becoming attached and secure in their new sleeping area. Parents can split the night so each parent is getting a stretch of sound sleep, while the other helps the baby or toddler to get used to their new sleep space. If you are moving baby to a toddler bed, or mattress on the floor of your child’s room, remember to “baby proof” the room too. After 3-14 nights, parents should move out of their child’s room.
Additional Sleep Learning Suggestions
• Talking to young one. Talk to your young one about the sleep changes let them know that even though “mama won’t be holding them at night, mama will still be close by for night time needs.”
• Build attachment and security to new sleeping space. Help your infant or young child feel secure in their new sleep space by spending time there. You can do this for any child sleeping in a new space. Try to incorporate your child’s bedtime routine and other shared, intimate activities into the new space. You can do this for a period of a week or two before making any further sleep changes, and it will help your child feel connected to you in the new sleep space.
Angelique Millette (PhDc, CLE, PCD/CD [DONA]) is a parent coach, sleep consultant, infant/toddler sleep and postpartum mood disorder researcher, and lactation educator who works with families across the Bay Area, the United States and Europe. Angelique developed The Millette Method™, a multi-disciplinary approach to family sleep and designed the Hands to Heart Swaddle™ , which is launching now!
To find out more about Angelique Millette please check out www.angeliquemillette.co
By Angelique Millette PhDc, CLE
Angelique Millette (PhDc, CLE, PCD/CD [DONA]) 
